Hedges

In his book, Hedges: Loving Your Marriage Enough to Protect It, Jerry B. Jenkins lists 6 "hedges" or walls of protection to protect a marriage from infidelity.

Now, just to be clear, I believe that these apply to everyone, single, married, or divorced, and that they also apply to a sexual addiction/pornography.

The first four are purely defensive, while the last two are offensive.

1. Two's Company, Three's Security
 Basically, anytime that you are required to be with a woman who is not your wife or a close relative, make sure and bring someone else along. And if unforeseeable circumstances make this impossible, let your spouse know.

I believe this also applies to pornography and/or sexual addiction. I know in my own life, I struggle with internet pornography.

So when I have to use the internet, for whatever reason, I make sure that someone else is in the room with me. I DO NOT get on the internet without my wife's knowledge. In fact, we have it set up to where I can't even get on the computer without her first typing in the password.

While this may be a bit of a nuisance, it is necessary and useful. She doesn't have to worry when she's gone at work (p.s. I'm a stay-at-home dad) and I know that I can't access it, so it helps me to control my urges.

2. Touchy, touchy

While a handshake, or a brief touch on the arm while speaking to a member of the opposite sex, embrace only dear friends and/or relatives.

For me, this means not even touching things that might provoke lustful thoughts and desires. Staying away from the movie rack or the magazine racks, or keeping my head down when an attractive, scantily clad woman walks by.

Anytime I see a woman who might get my attention, and I'm out with my wife, I immediately grab her hand and tell her I love her, or just strike up a conversation with her.

If I am by myself, I look away and start singing a song to myself, to prevent thougths from encroaching into my mind.

3. Some Compliments Don't Pay
Never a compliment a woman herself--instead-if necessary-compliment her hair or clothes.
I.e. Don't say, "You look good in that sweater", instead, "I like your sweater."

This follows closely with #2. When I see a woman, whether it is walking down the street or on the computer screen or in an advertisement, I try to avoid thoughts about how attractive she is. That is a dangerous, slippery slope.

Some people think that is possible to admire an attractive woman without lusting after her, and perhaps it is. All I know is that for me, at my current spiritual level, it is impossible. So therefore, at this stage in my life,  I try to just avoid looking.

4. Looking Down the Barrel of a Loaded Gun
Avoid flirtation or suggestive conversation, even in a joking manner.

I have a tendency to flirt with women, and I don't even realize I'm doing it.

I am a naturally gregarious person.

However, my wife has pointed out to me on several occassions what seemed like innocent conversation to me, but what to a woman is perceived as flirting. Sometimes, even just an innocent joke can be perceived as flirtatious. She smiles at you, and you smile back, pleased that you have once again proven your wit and charm.

The problem is, it's not completely innocent.

Considering the fact that at the time I was sturggling with pornography and inappropriate thoughts (more so than I am now) I would have to say that, subconciously, it probably wasn't innocent. I was deceiving myself.

Now we get into the Offensive Hedges
5. Remind yourself and your spouse of your wedding vows constantly.

If you are not married, remind yourself that one day you will be. A sexual addiction/pornographic addiction will NOT end on the day you say your wedding vow. In fact, it will probably increase in ferocity because you are setting yourself up for a fantasy experience, not a real-life sexual experience. Your new bride, while trying very hard to and wanting desperately to, will NOT be able to stand up to the appetite that you have created for yourself.

But just tell your wife constantly that you love her and that you promise once more to be faithful to her "for as long as you both shall live".

Or write little notes that have your vows on them.

Just remind her that you haven't forgotten your vows. In doing this, you will also be constantly reminding yourself of your vows as well.

6. Quality Time Vs. Quantity Time
Spend as much time as possible with your children. This doesn't sound like a Marital Hedge, but in fact, in doing so, you will let your wife have a few hours off and you will be there for your kids whenever something important happens in their lives.

For example, Jerry B. Jenkins had a rule that from the time he got home from work to the time his kids went to bed, he didn't do any writing or office work. As a result, he was there when each of his boy's received Christ as their Savior.

Also, this will provide you with time for you and your wife to date, an essential that is recommended in practically EVERY marriage book, secular and religious.



Obviously there are more hedges that you could plant, different ones, or maybe even less. I found these helpful and plan to put them into effect yesterday.

Whatever hedges you need, do whatever is necessary to build them and protect not only you, but your family (or future family if you are not currently married) as well.

Jesus said it best in Matthew 5: 29-30
"29. And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.
30. And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of ty memebers should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell."